On May fifth, my sister passed away. I’m not gonna get into the hows or whys at this point, I can’t, its too fresh. Ive had days offline, and i need to start typing now. I’m afraid that if I don’t start typing I will lose my blogging mojo completely.

I don’t know if anything I write today, or tomorrow, or even next month is going to make sense, but I feel the urge to hit keys.

Actually, I feel the urge to smash the keys, smash anything, just hit and hit and hit. everything in me is would uber tight and it often feels like the slightest wrong movement is all it will take to tear me to pieces.

I’m doing my damdest to stay in control, to stay on the rim of the huge pit of despair I can literally see looming before me, i know that one wrong step is all its gonna take to make me fall in that hole.

I’m trying to take pleasure in the small things, good food, the boys, my husband’s hugs, even dental care discounts, but when I start to laugh out loud, or dance to music, I suddenly remember that my sister will never laugh again, never dance, never hug my boys. Never do anything ever again, and I every bit of happiness fades away from me and I am left with a burning ache in my chest, heaving breath and burning eyes again.

I keep trying to convince myself that i cant stop living, just becuase she did. That I cant feel guilty for laughing at the boys, that she wouldn’t want me to feel this way, but its so fucking hard.